They were having breakfast at home on a bitterly cold winter's morning and most of the country was snow bound. And the Road Watch programme was on the radio after the News and the presenter said
“We are going to have 16 to 20 cm of snow today. You must remember to park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through."
So Mary went out and parked her car accordingly.
A few days later, over breakfast, they heard the Road Watch presenter say
"We are expecting 20 to 24 cm of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street so the snow ploughs can get through."
Mary went out and once more followed the instructions.
And, a couple of days on, the Road Watch person said
"We are expecting 24 to 28 cm of snow today. You must park...."
The electricity had failed and they didn’t hear the full message. And Mary became Very Worried and said to her husband
"I don't know what to do! Tell me which side of the street should I park on so the snow ploughs can get through?”
And Paddy (for it was he), with the love and understanding in his voice that all men exhibit when they are asked for advice on these matters said
"Would you ever just leave the feckin’ car in the garage this time?”
(Thank you Mike!)
Don't say you were not warned well in advance Chaps!
They went out for a Romantic Valentine’s evening.
And Mary reached across the table and took her husband’s hand and said
“After all these years.....what do you think of me?”
And Paddy (for it was he) looked into her eyes and said with a smile
“You are A B C D E F G H I J K !!!”
And Mary’s Heart Melted. And she said
“What does that mean Darling?”
“It means You Are Adorable Beautiful Cute Delightful Elegant Foxy Gorgeous
and Hot”, replied her Darling.
And she basked in the warm glow of his compliment for a while and said
“Oh you are So Romantic!!
But then She Thought For A Moment and said
“You didn’t tell me about ‘I J K’ ???
And Paddy said
“I’m Just Kidding”
(Thank you Ken)
An extremely rich Sheik was admitted to a London hospital for life saving surgery. He had a very rare blood type and it took some time to locate a suitable donor through their record systems. Finally McTavish was tracked down and, in fairness, he willingly agreed to give blood for the operation.
And the Sheik requested that McTavish visit his luxury suite and generously presented him with a top of the range BMW.
A couple of weeks later the hospital contacted McTavish and explained that some corrective surgery was necessary and could he donate more blood. And McTavish selflessly agreed.
In due course he was invited to visit the Sheik again who this time presented him with a thank you card and a box of chocolates. And poor McTavish couldn’t hide his confusion and disappointment and stuttered
“But last time you gave me a BMW!”
And the Sheik looked at him for a long moment and said
“Ay Laddie, but now I have Scottish blood in ma veins!”
(Thank you Ken!)
The Kentucky Phone Company wanted a team to install telephone poles. Paddy and Mick showed up for the interview and found they had to compete for the job against two local rednecks.
The boss met with both teams and said
"Here's what we'll do. Each team will install poles out on the new road for a day. The team that installs the most phone poles gets the work".
And the lads all headed right out.
At end of the shift, Paddy and Mick arrived back and the boss asked them how many they had installed. They said that it was tough going, but they'd put in twelve.
Forty-five minutes later, Bubba and Duke, the two rednecks, came back and they were totally exhausted. And the boss said,
"Well, how many poles did you guys install?"
Bubba wiped his brow and sighed,
"Duke and me, we got three in."
The boss gasped, "Three? Forget it so, those two Irish guys put in twelve!"
"Yeah, right," said Bubba, "but you should see how much they left stickin' out of the ground.
(thanks patnsandy!)
The buzz word in today's business world is MARKETING.
People often ask me for a simple explanation of "Marketing"- so here it is:
You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say
"I'm fantastic in bed,"
That's Direct Marketing.
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says
"She's fantastic in bed,"
That's Advertising.
You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say,
"Hi, I'm fantastic in bed,"
That's Telemarketing.
You see a guy at a party, you straighten your dress, you walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say "May I," and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing gently against him and then say
"By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says
“I hear you're fantastic in bed,"
That's Brand Recognition.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend.
That's a Sales Rep.
Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.
That's Tech Support.
You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of one and shout at the top of your lungs
"I'm fantastic in bed!" .....
That's Junk Mail.
You are at a party, this well-built man walks up to you and gropes your breast and grabs your bottom
That's Arnold Schwarzenegger!
You like it but, twenty years later, your lawyer decides you were offended…………….
That’s America
(Thanks to Marlene and Richard)
110708 TGI Friday.....A Good Walk Spoiled?
In his nineties, Paddy had played golf nearly every day since he retired. But one day he came home in a depression. And in response to his wife’s sympathetic enquiry he said
“I’m giving up golf. My eyesight is so bad now I can’t see where the ball goes after I hit it!”
And Mary said
“Why don’t you take my brother Mick with you? He wouldn’t mind the exercise!”
“Mick?” said Paddy, “but sure he’s older than I am!”
“That’s true”, said his wife, “but his eyesight is perfect”.
So Paddy headed off to the golf course the next day with Mick in tow. He teed up, hit a fine drive and squinted down the fairway, losing sight of the ball almost immediately. And he turned to Mick.
“Did you see the ball?”
“Of course I did, my eyesight is perfect. Fine shot!”
“Great, where did it go?”
And Mick frowned
“Can’t remember....”
(thanks Ken!)110610 TGI Friday.....every little helps
In the supermarket, she found herself following a grandfather - and his really badly behaved grandson who looked about three years old.
He obviously had his hands full because the boy was screaming for sweets, biscuits and fizzy drinks depending on what got his attention.
Meanwhile, the grandfather was concentrating on the job in hand, constantly speaking in a very calm voice
"Easy, William, we won't be long. take it easy, Boy."
Another outburst and she heard the grandfather quietly say
"It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, Boy."
At the checkout, the little menace was throwing items out of the trolley and the grandfather said again in a controlled voice
“William, William, relax man, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes. Stay cool, William."
Very impressed, when she went outside, she saw the grandfather loading the boy and, finally, his groceries into the car.
And she went up to him and said
"I know it's none of my business, so please excuse me saying this, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. You kept your composure and, no matter how loud and disruptive your grandson became, you just calmly kept saying things would be all right. William is very lucky to have you as his grandfather."
“Well, I am indeed his grandfather,” came the reply, “but actually it’s me that’s William. The little b******d inside there is called Patrick”
(Thanks again pat’n’sandy!)
110603 TGI Friday....Growing old disgracefully?
Mary came home in a foul humour and Paddy asked her what was wrong.
“I went to that new dentist in the main street”, she said, “and when, I was in the waiting room reading his various diplomas on the wall, I wondered if he could be the fabulous looking guy that I fancied in my school back in the day”
Then she fell into a smouldering silence.
“And...?” queried Paddy, wisely interacting to tease out the issue.
“When I saw him I knew he was too old. He was balding, grey haired and had a deeply lined face.”
“So, same name different person?” persisted Paddy.
“Well, after the examination, I asked him if he had been to Morgan Park School. And he had! So I said ‘what year did you graduate?’”
“1975”, he replied, “why do you ask?”
““You were in my class!” I said, smiling at the memory.’” continued Mary.
“So he was the fellow you fancied after all!” said Paddy, “did he remember you?”
And Mary slowly drew in a long breath
“He stared at me for a moment”, she replied slowly, “and then that fat, balding, wrinkly, decrepit looking b*****d said
“What did you teach?”
(thank you pat’n’sandy!)
I'M IN HEAVEN, I'M IN HEAVEN..AND
For reasons that we don’t need to go into right now, Paddy (for it was he) was on his way to Heaven.
Upon his arrival at the Pearly Gates, a Concerned Saint Peter was waiting for him.
“I'm sorry Paddy”, said Saint Peter, “but Heaven is suffering from an Overload of Goodly Souls at the moment and we have been forced to put an entrance exam in place for new arrivals to ease the Burden of Heavenly Arrivals.”
“That's all right”, said Paddy, “what does the entrance exam consist of?”
“Just three questions”, was the reply.
“Which are?” asked Paddy, when no further information was immediately forthcoming.
“The First”, said Saint Peter, “is: Which two days of the week start with the letter 'T?”
“The Second: How many seconds are there in a year?”
“The Third: What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?”
“Now,”' said St Peter, “go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have the right answers for me.”
So Paddy went away and gave Those Three Questions some Considerable Thought (and we expect you are doing the same).
The following morning, (where did he spend the night?? –Ed) Saint Peter called upon Paddy and asked if he had considered the questions, to which Paddy replied
”Indeed and I have sir”.
“Well then”, said Saint Peter, 'which two days of the week start with the letter T?”
And Paddy said ”'Today and Tomorrow.'
St. Peter pondered this unusual answer for some time and finally decided that indeed it could be applied to his question.
“Well then Paddy, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?”
And St Peter went on
“How many seconds in a year?'
And Paddy responded
“Twelve!”
“Only 12?” exclaimed St Peter, “how did you arrive at that figure Paddy?”
“'Easy”, was the reply, “there's the second of January, the second of February right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.”
And Saint Peter looked at Paddy for a Long Moment and said
“'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.”
And away he went in Some Confusion.
He finally returned and said
“I'll allow that answer to stand Paddy, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely right to be allowed into Heaven.”
And he said
“Now Paddy, can you tell me what was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?”
And Paddy replied
“Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer!”
“Really!” exclaimed St Peter, slightly alarmed, “and what is the answer then, Paddy”'
“'It's Andy.”
“Andy??”, Peter’s voice dropping an octave.
“Yes, Andy” said Paddy confidently.
And Saint P was totally floored and he paced this way and that for a while pondering What To Do.
Finally, he turned around and said
“Paddy, how in God's Name did you arrive at THAT answer?”
“'Easy,” came the reply ”Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited till his billy boiled”.
………..and Paddy entered Heaven...
(thank you Ivan!!!)
Paddy (for it was he) and Mary met on a blind date. They discovered they lived in nearby suburbs and Paddy was over the moon about this. He immediately started asking her out.
Within a couple of weeks, Paddy had taken Mary to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies and museums. And he became convinced that Mary was indeed his soul mate and the love of his life. Every date seemed better than the last..
On the one-month anniversary of their first meeting, Paddy took Mary to a fine restaurant. Over cocktails he said "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. But there is something I need to tell you before I ask a Very Important Question. I am a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, we better talk about it now.”
Mary paused before taking a deep breath and said “Paddy, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too so we have something we can really share. But, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for quite some time I've been a hooker ** ."
And Paddy lapsed into a Long and Thoughtful Silence. Then he took a sip of his wine and came alive again
“I think we can fix that, it’s probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball.”
( ** not as serious as if she had been an ex Munster player – Ed)
(Thanks to D Jerrard!)